I can't seem to stop arguing with my partner. What can we do? | Relate
There are a lot of ways to stop fighting in a relationship, but do you always want to follow them? Constant fighting in a relationship isn't healthy, but sometimes it. There isn't an approved list of fights that it's "normal" to have, or specific topics Fighting early in a relationship isn't always a red flag, but it is. Arguing seems to be a normal part of adult relationships. Is it ever worth staying in a relationship when you're constantly fighting?.
Or, is it something more profound, something deeper?
Every one of us brings a lot to the table that contributes to the degree of conflict we experience with a partner, including our early attachment patterns, psychological defenses, and critical inner voices about ourselves and others. That is why the key to getting along with our partner is rarely as simple as it sounds.
However, the good news is we have a lot of power when it comes to making things better. Here are some efforts we can take to ease tension and keep feeling close to our partner: We may even be drawn to build a case against our partner rather than attempting to understand them, move on, or accept an apology.
While we may have a point or be right at times, this drive to wallow in our misery often comes from an unconscious desire to maintain an old, bad feeling about ourselves and our relationships that, although uncomfortable, also feels familiar. When we feel triggered by someone in an intense way, this is often a clue that something deeper is being surfaced. The wrong word or a simple look from our partner can tap into old, negative feelings we have about ourselves that make us angry, ashamed, or on the defense.
If we can get ahold of ourselves in that moment of intensity, take a walk or even just a few deep breaths, we can gain some perspective and return to a more rational state of mind. We can remain in the moment, rather than trailing off into our heads, and choose how we want to respond with more awareness and sensitivity to the other person. The steps of RAIN are to 1. Non-identification, which means not letting yourself over-connect with the experience. This mindful approach allows us to be present and curious toward ourselves and our reactions without letting these reactions take over.
In a moment of conflict, we can use this mindfulness exercise to feel calmer and reconnect to ourselves, investigating our reactions but without judgment.
How to Stop Fighting and Feel Close Again - PsychAlive
Change from a defensive to a receptive state When we work on tuning in and calming ourselves down, we can then extend a more curious and compassionate attitude toward our partner. Instead of being focused on defending, reacting, or counterattacking, we can listen and attempt to understand the other person.
I don't want to move to there! They start slow and take turns talking. Arguments generally end the same way they began, said Bonnie Ray Kennan, a marriage and family therapist based in Southern California. Couples who've mastered the art of arguing fairly take things slow, addressing difficult conversations with a soft, reassuring tone and dialing it down whenever things get too emotionally charged.
They don't name call. Happy couples in long-term relationships rarely get into knock-down, drag-out fights because they don't lower themselves to school-yard tactics: They know how to cool down.
- All Couples Fight. Here's How Successful Couples Do It Differently.
When things do get out of hand, savvy arguers know how to get a grip on their emotions. They value taking a time out, whether that means counting to 10 and taking slow, deep breaths or simply telling their spouse, "Hey, can we revisit this in the morning?
I can't seem to stop arguing with my partner. What can we do?
When both partners are able to soothe themselves and take breaks, they're usually able to reach a resolution or agree to disagree! They set ground rules for arguments. It's not that long-time couples have never resorted to low blows or have said something regrettable during an argument. They have in the past -- and then they learned from the mistake.
Once the emotionally charged fight ends, smart couples lay down some ground rules for arguing so it never gets out of hand again, said author and relationship expert Mario P. The ground rules could be specific -- "We will not interrupt each other when one is giving his or her perspective" -- or more big picture: